"Seen and Not Heard": How a Childhood Maxim Sets the Stage for Narcissistic Abuse in Adulthood By Claire Deacon

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“Children should be seen and not heard.”

It sounds quaint now; a relic of another era. Yet for many girls, this wasn’t just a phrase; it was a commandment; a doctrine; an identity.

Growing up in a household where this saying was repeated wasn’t simply a matter of old-fashioned parenting. It was an early blueprint for passivity; silence; and emotional invisibility. For some, it shaped their very sense of personhood. They learned not to make noise; not to question; not to challenge. They were rewarded for being agreeable; quiet; and compliant; traits that would later make them vulnerable to the deeply controlling and often invisible grip of narcissistic abuse.

The Cultural Roots of Silence

The phrase “Children should be seen and not heard” dates back to the 15th century and, unsurprisingly, was originally aimed at girls. John Mirk, a medieval English clergyman, wrote:

‘Hyt ys old English sawe: A mayde schuld be seen, but not herd.’

The "maiden" of that time was to remain quiet; demure; obedient; a vessel of virtue; without voice. This wasn’t just a parental preference; it was a reflection of the societal norms embedded in both history and religion. And while the words themselves might have faded from common usage; the ideology behind them hasn’t.

Little girls, were subtly and not so subtly trained to make themselves small; to be agreeable; pleasant; and palatable. To smile; even when uncomfortable. To nod along; even when they had something to say.

Enter the Narcissist

There is a lot of recent and valuable discussion about narcissism and narcissistic abuse; what narcissists do to others; how they manipulate; control; gaslight; and degrade. These conversations are important. Narcissistic abuse is very real and very damaging. But there's a layer to this conversation that is rarely explored in depth:

What is the belief system of the person who is drawn to the narcissist?

Because while narcissists may do terrible things; we must also ask ourselves: What have we been taught to believe about our own right to be heard; respected; and valued?

When a person has been raised to believe their voice doesn’t matter; they are more likely to ignore the early red flags of narcissistic abuse. In fact; some may feel an eerie comfort in the familiar control and invalidation that mirrors their upbringing. It can feel almost like love.

The Legacy of Early Grooming

In my work with clients; many of whom are adult women recovering from narcissistic relationships; I’ve noticed a pattern that goes deeper than simply "we are drawn to people like our parents." Yes; a narcissistic parent can set the stage. But even more so; it’s the training; the grooming; they received as young girls that makes them vulnerable.

They were groomed to:

• Prioritise harmony over honesty;

• Value approval over authenticity;

• Fear conflict more than mistreatment;

• Associate love with discomfort or control.

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They were taught that having needs; setting boundaries; or asserting themselves was not just rude; it was dangerous. Because as children; speaking up brought punishment.

And so; as adults; they tolerate the intolerable. They excuse behaviour that wounds them. They give narcissists endless chances because their behaviour feels familiar. And familiarity; as the brain understands it; often masquerades as safety.

Questioning the Belief System

To truly recover from narcissistic abuse; we must not only process what was done to us; we must explore what we were taught to believe about ourselves.

• Do I believe I have a right to take up space?

• Do I believe I can say “no” without guilt?

• Do I believe my needs are valid; even if they inconvenience others?

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Because if the internal answer to any of those questions is “no”; then narcissists won’t just find us; they’ll fit us. They’ll fit right into the quiet groove carved by that ancient; insidious proverb: “Children should be seen and not heard.”

Rewriting the Script

Healing begins when we stop whispering and start speaking. When we question the mantras we grew up with. When we stop mistaking silence for safety and love for control.

The good news is; belief systems can change. We can challenge old maxims. We can teach our daughters; and ourselves; that being heard is not just a right; it is essential. That our voice is not a threat to others; it is a gift to ourselves.

So let’s open the conversation. Not just about narcissists and what they do; but about why some of us were trained to receive their behaviour as normal. Let’s talk about the grooming that masqueraded as parenting. The silence that was sold to us as good manners.

Let’s retire the saying “Children (Girls) should be seen and not heard” once and for all. Not just from our vocabularies; but from our belief systems.